I can\’t help it, but I am always the more emotionally open one. I say what I feel.
Between Chris and Francis, I am caught. I don\’t want to stop the connection. I don\’t want to lose what I have…and yet it will make me unhappy in the long run to not have pursued it at all.
Last Wednesday, I found myself at his door. Just moments before, I was wringing my hand in my car, wondering what I was doing.
\”I had a choice when I got to Valencia. I could take a right to go home. Or I could drive straight to see you. I kept going straight.\” I described.
I told him straight. Although I love you refused to sleep from my lips. I could see that he did not want what I wanted and I had to respect that. I told him how I was frustrated how much I thought of him. I wanted to stop thinking how much I wanted to travel with him. I wanted to see him as a friend because…it hurt so much. I told him how the other day it started raining and how all I could think of him was riding through the rain, the sheer determination to fight it, I said that…I loved it…I admired him.
All the time, I just want to resist. I want to pull away, but he magnetizes me…and then there I am. Perhaps he knows better…perhaps inside I know better.
\”What should I do?\” he asked.
I was surprised that I didn\’t tear. I suggested that we needed to stop being exclusive…stop having 1 on 1 type events…that we needed to invite other people. That we couldn\’t be alone so exclusively.
It broke my heart…