I hate it when people tell me that I need to stop caring.
Because I have learned that this is the only way to survive. That I must keep reminding people that I am still alive. Do you see me? Do you remember me?
That if I don\’t remind them, I don\’t exist? It\’s this tiring cycle where I keep creating, keep talking, keep making…just to have witness that I matter. I knock on doors and wonder if someone heard me. Will they come and open out of curiosity? Or to come and tell me no?
I am sad. Because the terror of disappointment sticks its dagger deep into my stomach. And when it pulls it out, I lurch forward out of the momentum. I lose my balance, my footing and fall. Not into concrete, but straight into blackness.
I am afraid to be alone. Because it means that beneath me, I feel nothing. Without people, I am swirling into nothingness.