I would like to say in this situation that the weight gives me comfort. Just like my weighted blanket. But it doesn’t. Not now.
I am unhappy. Last Tuesday on February 1st was my last day at the job. I don’t know how could this could have happened in my career. Being told that my performance wasn’t good enough. That the writing…the writing of all things….didn’t meet expectations. I would like to think that my soft skills were good. I knew how to socialize work. I knew how to collaborate. I knew how to do all of that. I knew how to execute. And yet, it wasn’t good enough for them. For my manager.
And so I was given two options—get fired without any warning or resign. It felt so unfair. It was obvious that I would take the latter, because I have a reputation that I wanted to protect. And yet, I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t happy for my next steps, because I didn’t have anything lined up. And I could list all the things that didn’t meant that it was going to be a disaser—a safety net, a strong community, accounts flush with cash. It still felt like something that was mine was taken away.
Here’s the thing about it that is even worse. Everyone I know, even Chris, have said things like YOU? I can’t believe it. You’re like the best.
I can’t believe it either. I have always been on top of things, friendly (in most situations), and always always sober. I don’t ever do destructive things, at least in the professional side of things. I didn’t hurt people. All I did, I guess, was hurt the company’s bottom line. And I am still upset about it. It wasn’t good enough. And they took it away. How could they take it away from me.
It sounds like I am entitled to it, but I am. I worked my way into this, thinking that this job could give me stability and ease. And yes, it was about 2 years (or specifically on Linkedin 2 years and 1 month) which was my goal all along, but I didn’t feel closure. All the projects robbed. I didn’t have bitterness. I was treated so gently on the way out that I couldn’t get mad at those who took this away from me. And those who made me feel like I was worthless in my function. I am not happy that they took this away from me. Like I was fine and they didn’t see the potential.
So this Monday morning where I thought that I could be productive has only partially been, because dscout is paying me and doing this meaningless study of looking at websites and doing tasks incentivizes me. But the fact that there’s this unhappy feeling at the bottom of my stomach weighing me down feels awful. I don’t want to do anything. I want to lie here and moan about how they unfairly treated me. And yet, I can’t say it so publicly. It would ruin my reputation. And I even thought too that I didn’t even bother saving any evidence, because I didn’t think to do so, because I didn’t want the pain of seeing it. And so here I am without anything.
Chris was furious on Friday as we stood in the restaurant after ordering takeout. “I can’t believe that they do it to you,” he said. “You almost seem grateful.”
My first thought: Other people will hear you and see a couple squabbling on a late Friday night. Second thought: why can’t I get angry like therapy said to do. Third thought: They were nice to me, right?
“I am not grateful,” I said almost in panic to appease him.
“From what I read, it’s all illegal. They forced you out. You don’t even get unemployment. You didn’t even get severance.”
I feel robbed. I said that I had no choice. I function on people liking me and the idea of disappearing without warning was absolutely not what I wanted. But did I pay a price in doing so? Financially, I’ll recover fast. I don’t know.
Even when this other company told me today that I got good feedback on my second round and that they wanted to proceed to the next stage, I felt…unappeased. Like maybe it was just going to be that job again. And even this upcoming project, I still feel unmoored. I feel like my sense of self has been shredded by this experience.
It’s unfair. It’s not fair. They took it away from me. And I don’t deserve it.