Words and fragments of what people say often sticks in my mind. I think that I like the way it sounds, whether it’s meaningful or just someone’s tic.
I noticed at the Writing Accountability Group Thursday that I slipped and kept saying “you know.” How annoying. It reminded me of a time when Grace was giving her lesson on essays about two years ago as part of the Grotto, she often slipped into “you know.” Definitely unintentional, because when it happened several times in a row, it suggests something. I was curious about it at the time and realize now it’s me trying to think through something that I am trying to teach while articulating without a guide in front of me. I have rarely ever done that at work, except when I haven’t prepared my thoughts and am expected to speak about something for 3 minutes. The whole gestiulating.
There’s a lot of feelings that I have about everything that it’s circulating in my mind as well as what’s here, so it’s probably best to just to list it all:
- My angst at certain writers. First, it’s Grace and Susan. Maybe unintentionally, I feel excluded when I went up to them at the Bay Area Book Festival. Hi, maybe you remember me! From class! That I took with you a few times! I was part of the fellowship, not just once but twice. We have met and I thought that you would know me. But then they turned and talked away from me. The lack of feeling that I was lesser just soured my mood and I am all angsty about it. Yes, I can totally reframe it as oh maybe something was going on and they didn’t have the time to pay attention to me, but I found it as rude and essentially I don’t feel generous enough to go to any of their book launches. Second, Celeste. I had excused it for nearly 6 months after that very very awkward moment at R&W. Maybe I was too aggressive in the 1:1, but I don’t think so! Still I am resentful of being told that I was being too much of an interrogator when I asked about her journey—isn’t this all about it? I know that there’s probably some trauma involved on her side that I need to have sensitivity in these interactions, but I can’t deal with the fact that I am just put off. There’s something about being on the spectrum that I find being used as an excuse—I think that I am constantly am, but I guess maybe I expect a certain decency and politeness as a baseline. Or for most people, I am able to mask well after studying other people for so long.
- Chris, taiche. What was this defensiveness when we went through the resume? And granted it was right before we left for the Palestine teach-in. I had talked about him spending at least an hour on it, but then why didn’t it happen! I checked in on it and it didn’t happen, so I insisted that we spend 10 minutes on it, just to get it going. That’s what has helped for any of my projects, but I guess it doesn’t work for him? Maybe it’s all about I don’t want to be told what to do with someone close to him, but it bugs. Like what’s the deal. Just work through it—get it done. Follow through!
- And worky stuff. I am bothered all the time of course about all the things, mostly the lack of follow through. I guess that it’s less that I expect quality, but I expect some kind of adequate time devoted to thinking through it. Maybe it’s messy, but what about just listing the next steps, communicating to me that something is taking more time, like what’s the deal. Just do it, Matthew.
Anyway, I guess that’s actually really it. Of course still I am afraid of the feeling that the possibility of parenthood is slipping away. It hurts of course, but I know very clearly what a different life can be and it’s not bad. But the chances I guess is painful. Though I also think becoming a parent is painful itself too.