Suddenly, I felt sick. I wanted to run away. I didn\’t want to be close to anyone. I didn\’t want anybody to touch me or talk to me. So I walked away. But then Carol started following me, I smiled and as she turned around the corner, I went the other way. I smiled again and tried to wave her away. I started walking faster thinking I could lose her in the crowd. Eventually, I stopped and let her catch up to me.
\”Do you want to be alone?\” she asked.
I laughed and mumbled \”yes.\” Trying to keep it light-hearted. Then I found an empty seat sort of desolate on the other side of the club. Then I saw other people wandering on the second floor near the bar. They could see me. I quickly found a couch that was hidden behind a stairwell. For some reason, I wanted to cry. This was overwhelming. I don\’t know what it was. But I felt this fist in my throat and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.
I felt like this earlier in the week. I feel like I have acted my way here that I am not being myself. That I am tired of being somebody I am not. Smiling when I am not happy, just to make others happy. I had this incredible urge to be alone. I suddenly had this thought of running outside into the cold and catching the bus home. After all, that is why I did bring my school id just in case the worst happened.
I am weeping now, because I feel so distressed. And ultimately, I don\’t know why. I want to be left alone…for now at least.