one misstep

Sometimes, it smells like something is burning.

Is that only me trying to set something aflame? Because I can\’t let something sit. Sit?

It\’s hard to be me sometimes.
Isn\’t it easier to be irrational?
To make the water rumble
than to leave it calm
and ask the sailors to come home?

Don\’t let the melody remind me of what it used to be. I can\’t help but listen to the same songs over and over again, reminding me of what naivete I lost myself in. I don\’t even remember why I downloaded those songs, only that I was listening to them when I said something. Said something intense, important to you.

So Chris imed me today but didn\’t give a reason why. So I bantered…a bit then asked him why. I guess because of what I had said drove him away. I just feel completely apathetic. When I asked again why he had talked to me? He simply said that he needed to lie down and he disappeared. So I gave up on that and took a shower.

But it\’s not that…that bothers me. It\’s the fact that there\’s Dang and I haven\’t really…done so much bad to him. Yet, I feel so awkward. Is it better to confront my discomfort just so that I feel settled again? But it\’s the discomfort that would drive me away again. I feel guilt for leaving him unanswered.

And. I feel like I say too much about myself. That I do the drama. That I annoy people. This is where I want to say less. But saying less is withdrawal. In some way, that\’s almost like…avoidance.