a mixed feeling of dissatisfaction

I feel so not at ease. I am dissatisfied. I am not that happy. I am not that happy with the way things are. Or is that just what I am think things are like right now?

I saw Lulu today. We had lunch together in Walnut Creek at Tomatina. It was nice, but suddenly I found myself trying to keep up with our conversation. She kept talking and talking…and somehow I just didn\’t want to be there. I wanted to not to talk anybody. I wanted to get away for awhile. I started getting this feeling in Pittsburgh during my first week. That I wanted to fit in, a feeling of disrupted flow. I didn\’t fit in or something.

So Shinelun came too with his brother. And so many people. It was just too much for me. What happened? I used to have talks with people without thinking of what I had to say. Without thinking that I had nothing to say. But I was stuck again.

I saw Jeff with his friend James and his cousin Linda. Watched the movie on Center. Not awkward. The movie was nice, but afterwards it was ok for 30 minutes then I got that awful feeling again. I just can\’t spend time with too many people. I didn\’t want to go out and have to expend myself. Done with that.

I hate second-guessing people\’s intentions.