what i dislike the most

What I dislike the most is when someone \”neutral\” tries to fix the \”BURNT BRIDGE\” between someone and me. I know that one of my friends (Mae) has tried to fix the bridge before. What it ended up being was me treating the other person as if she never existed. She did the same to me.

What I see such an opportunity is to put on my angry bitter face. Some people may not know that I have many sadistic tendencies. That when I see something injust, I just want to spit out all the negative things I am harboring in my mind.

But I forget, sometimes my ever-so-pleasant self stays. I just have to be nice. I just have to be understanding. I just have to be demure.

BS. Another thing, why do I have to be nice? The strange thing is…there are times that I think I went too far. There are times that I think…that possibly I was too mean.

What had spurred such thoughts is that I just read a journal entry of someone. He talks about how he wants to be the one who is the compromiser–fix the burnt bridge. Note though: the last few weeks, I (accidentally) degraded my opinion about him, thus I don\’t accept his opinions as openly.

All I really want to do is leave a comment about how I like to fight. But that\’s just wrong. I know by leaving such a comment, he would swing back with emphatic questions such as is this how you really want to live your liife? or do you want to be alone?

One of the worst situations was with someone I used to know. Jason C. We argued and debated ourselves almost to death. Over religion. Over how to make friends. Everything. Mostly because I felt very negative. I remember that summer distinctly. I was up in Northern California and he was in Southern California. He broke his hand halfway through our arguments. One of his friends in Berkeley drowned (at that time, I was also morbid so I didn\’t care that he just lost his friend). And I refused to let him call me. It was so bitter.

But. It was different before. I had crush on him when the semester ended. He was the first one to \”support\” me when Alan broke up with me (note: his idea of support was to drag me to brunch in the dining commons to meet with a friend who basically ignored me while he ate). I gave him a picture of myself (one of those pictures where I was trying to show off) to \”keep safe\”. I wonder if he still has it. Jason also had asked whether he could leave boxes in my house while he was in socal. I let him, as a favor. Of course, that argument erupted that summer.

A few months into my sophomore year, I suddenly became nostalgic over everything. I went up to Jason when I saw him again and suddenly blurted outloud \”Let\’s forget the past.\” Ironically, last year, I basically said \”I don\’t like you and let\’s never forget the past.\” Bitterness.

If someone had tried to put us in a boxing ring, would we really ever compromise? I probably would never take a swing nor would he. But I would not smile either. Instead, I would write on pieces of paper and send them over to the other corner as paper airplanes. A constant debate that never ends.

Is it because I closed my heart to him? Someone said it was because I build walls around me, keeping others out. Another said that it was because I refuse to let people get close to me. But all of that almost seems completely off. The only analogy is that there is a big red button I have…and some people just want to press it, not knowing what will happen next.