On some days, I really dislike being in this social circle. I feel trapped. I feel obligated. I feel like I am not myself.
And then there are days where everything seems right. I have the friends I need and I don\’t need anymore.
Yet I always have this nagging feeling that I should keep trying. I am afraid of rejection. I seek acceptance from others. And when I don\’t get any, I shrivel up and react in the wrong manner.
Yesterday during my project meeting with the clients, I felt so foolish. I just can\’t carry a presentaiton that well. I worry that I am bringing my group down. I hope my group doesn\’t think of me as the slacker. In truth though, I am a social loafer. I admit it. I can\’t help but do less when in a group setting. Being in a group often demotivates me than when I work on something individually.
For our project, I sometimes don\’t understand all these abstract ideas that they place out there. Everything has to be concrete to me otherwise i\’ll just fumble through the material in the presentation and basically BS it all as I present it. Sigh. I am great at writing speeches, but I am not the one who should present them.
Some times are better left unsaid, right?