For the last week, every time the sun sets, I get this a horrible sinking feeling that I am not wanted. And then all I want to do is go back to a place to where I am wanted. But I don\’t know where that is.
I am defiant. I don\’t want to show that I need people, but by doing that, I isolate myself. I don\’t want to spend time that much with my housemates. So I am avoiding activities that involve Marina and Carol. And by doing so, I end up not doing anything. I spent the majority of this afternoon and evening just working on a layout for my portfolio. However, that was unsuccessful because I was not satisfied with any theme I came up with. So I am still with an embarrassing portfolio on my student website. I could do better.
I am sad because I live a paradox. I want to be independent, but I am dependent. I want to be liked, but I don\’t want to be so desperate. I get this feeling again and again…and I just want to block the world and squeeze out my belief in others. I want to start over. And so that\’s why I ended up seeing a movie with two undergrads I knew. And how I was able to have a nice conversation with a housemate that I rarely see and his girlfriend. Because I want to start anew.
Being by myself is fun, only when I feel accepted.