Alan said that I always tended to be unhappy. Last year, Tanner said that too. I just can\’t stay happy…and that I am masochistic in that sense. I just seeked unhappiness almost naturally.
Nothing can stay…perfect or in euphoria for me. Why do I drive myself into sadness and sorrow?
Alex talked to me today as I walked into NSH. I mumbled something about why I didn\’t attend the Easter breakfast–the so-called event of \”rebirth\”. It wasn\’t because I had a meeting. If I had been feeling normal, I would have rescheduled my entire day around it. But it was because I wasn\’t feeling that way. I wanted to head into a corner and just cry. But that doesn\’t solve anything. That doesn\’t do anything. That only makes me pathetic. I feel horrible a lot. And it\’s all my doing right.
Jeff said that I was too uptight and methodological yesterday. I don\’t know what to believe anymore. I miss a lot of things, but it\’s hard to let go of what I think is right. Lots of things are painful. I don\’t want to be part of it. I don\’t want to stick myself with needles. I don\’t want it. I just don\’t want it.
And yet, I cause this drama. Only because I feel this way, if I don\’t hold a grudge, then it won\’t happen. That\’s over. That\’s constantly over. That\’s what will happen.
People aren\’t statues. If time passes by, they change too.