I was ok at first. I believed that I could fix my computer. I always did. I somehow always gave my computers the last breath. I always did, right?
So I started finding solutions to my problem online.
Then I imed Alex and Carol asking if I could try to use their computers. But then after I imed them, I halted. I thought for a moment. They are too busy. It\’s the last week of the semester. So I stuff myself…I halt…and I say never mind after I tell them that my powerbook crashed…
But then!
Alex asks me if there\’s anything he can do. I say no, because I remembered how he had a lot of work to do. Two papers…and projects…and all that! So I say no…no….
Most people I know would accept it. They would continue on with their lives. A thought of relief in such stressful times–thank god that I don\’t have to manage her mess…
There\’s not that many people that can read through my distress and try to pull me away when I insist.
So when Alex said, \”No, this is silly! I\’ll be there in 15 minutes.\”
I started crying again. Although before I was upset that I had lost everything on my computer, but now it was more like…why didn\’t I have friends like this before? In times of crisis, I often found myself alone. Often, my sister was the only one there. Many people rushed into themselves, more concerned about themselves. I am guilty of that too. I sometimes try to be the best friend I can be, but I have a tendency to read only on the surface and I don\’t know how to read below what I see above.
People seem to only want to be friends with those who are happy. You don\’t want to be around someone who is sad all the time.
But here perhaps is a case…is when this person is really happy, it\’s the moment you cherish the most. And even if that person is sad all the time, those moments when she is happy…is the ones you wait for. And trying to make someone happy like that is all worth it.
I am trying to think whether I ever had a friend like Alex. Sure I had the guys who were as good buddies. The kind that we would joke about everyone and everything. Everything had a second meaning. And it was all in good fun. But where was the push to pull me out.
I suppose at one point Carol tried. But when she tried, I always felt worse afterwards.
In Berkeley, I can\’t help but think back to the moment that I was left alone when Catherine and Becky went back freshman year… I just remember them whispering to another, \”She\’s struggling with her breakup…\” Soft whispers as we walked toward the fork in the road. They both knew how distraught I was. \”Um…ok bye…\” No motion for them to invite me. So I didn\’t invite myself over.
I never held that specific incident against them, but ever since then, I have always been pained by letdowns like that. I admit it\’s all self-centered of me, but I wonder if they felt relief or did they feel anything at all?
This isn\’t as horrible as I think it could be…