Yesterday night was one of those parties that I just hated. Of course, I could have just went upstairs and just sulk in my room. Which I should have done, but I didn\’t.
I am tired of having to talk to people. Small talk people. It was a party about alcohol…and I hate the fact that it\’s all about drinking. I am tired of it.
So by the end of the night, I had a mental breakdown. Basically, I somehow had this pain of loneliness overcome me. I struggled against it first, but then someone spilled coke on the floor. And then little by little, I felt a little insane. As I cleaned the coke up with a towel, i noticed the floor was dirty. The towels were picking up more than the drink…dirt and all. I chatted with a few people…then suddenly I returned to the kitchen and there it was again. I didn\’t want to talk to anybody…I wanted to cry or something like that. I wanted to leave pittsburgh, start somewhere else . Then suddenly the mental restraints broke and I couldn\’t help but start cleaning. First, it was just the dirty dishes. Simple enough, nothing that got people excited. Then it was the cups. Then it was the cans and bottles into bags. Then I took out the trash and recycables. Then suddenly it was the floor…suddenly I couldn\’t stop but clean the floor with just a towel and cleaning solution. It\’s sort of like \”The Fruit at the bottom of the bowl\” type of thing, but there wasn\’t anything specific setting me off..
Carol stopped me after several minutes of trying to get me to halt my job. She said, \”It\’s making other people uncomfortable.\”
Then I thought I should have just went upstairs..and sulk there. I stood in the kitchen, moping and feeling unhappy…as the music still went on in the living room. Finally, I just went to the basement and sat in the corner, crying. Carol came down to console me…but as usual, it ended up her trying to rationalize it…trying to figure it out when she always got it off base. Sometimes you can\’t figure out why someone is upset, all you can do is treat the symptoms and then internally that someone can better herself.