Lately, my temper has gotten the best of me.
I don\’t know what it is, but when I start losing respect for someone, I don\’t act very accepting toward them.
I know if I told Carol this, she would assure me that this is normal. And I know that deep inside this is not true and I feel unsettled.
Around certain people, I can become very dominant and very authorative. My first memory of doing such things was around Julie in high school. I observed much of her submissive behavior which bothered me. Perhaps, I saw myself reflected in her–a side of myself that I disliked. And I built up a very horrible negativity toward her and I didn\’t treat her as well as I should have treated her. We both went to Berkeley, but I purposefully avoided her.
So during my last year in Berkeley, I did go to see a counselor for all my issues. After all those sessions, I learned how to deal better with my emotions. I know what the right way to do things. That I was supposed to talk to people about my thoughts and feelings rather than keeping it inside, allowing it to grow into grudges.
Right now, I am harboring a grudge against Ray. From the very beginning, I told him that I did not believe in working in the same project as people I lived with. But because of some desire or whatever, he joined the CHI group nonetheless. A few weeks passed in the semester and he decided to quit. At that point, we hadn\’t gotten too far in the project so I didn\’t mind.
But then a few weeks ago, he decided to rejoin. I am not sure for what reason. What has been bothering me the most in the last few weeks is that he is naturally very uncertain about himself. He has a tendency to clam up during meetings, contributing too little. Habits like him staring at the table when he is thinking, blinking as if he is lost doesn\’t contribute to my belief that he is really thrown into the work. I am not sure if he really enjoys the work at all.
I am just frustrated, right?
Yesterday during the meeting, he barely contributed except to confirm decisions we made. This morning as I was on my way out, I asked in passing how his storyboards/scenarios were. He said that he had finished them. Then he asked me how mine were. Then he said something along the lines of \”I thought that was what you wanted.\”
It\’s not what I wanted, but what I think the group wants. It\’s not about me expecting something. I am not the leader. I am not the one giving the grade. I am frustrated because people regard me as the one sets the standards when I do not want to set the standard. This is a group project not a project directed by me. If I am not there, I want the group to go on.