I am in a strange position now. I am leaving Pittsburgh soon. A repetition of how I felt unsteady in my last days in Berkeley. I am wistful. I want more, but who knows where I can get that?
I say too much. I know it. I am afraid. Yet I can\’t help but be me.
I am embarrassed that I haven\’t found a job yet. I got two rejections so far and it cuts deep. Google wasn\’t for me anyway.
After the Andy spectacle, I went through a phase of wistfullness. Denial. A phase where I wanted to call him, try to spend more time with him as the time disappeared. But I prevented myself from doing so. Even though I had all these bursting thoughts. I am glad I didn\’t try.
Because a few days, I entered that phase of indifference. I didn\’t care. I mean, I could go without seeing him. I don\’t care, right?
Then the phase of bitterness. Oh screw him. How could he proposition me and not want to date me? Screw that. He seemed weird anyway.
So I am left at that end.
But on the way back from Montreal, I got a txt msg from Ben. Andy\’s friend. Someone who I never found incredibly interesting. He was just…that friend. The one who was interested in opera. The one who seemed much easier to talk to, but he didn\’t have such a deep side. He showed me salsa at two parties. He was a party-goer.
Ben had asked me where I was. I sent another txt msg back saying that I was on the way back to Pittsburgh and asked what was up. Then I got a msg back saying that his friend \”wanted your ass. when are you getting back?\”
I was a little stilted. Oh come on Ben, if you\’re interested, why didn\’t you say so?
I didn\’t know how to respond and eventually just said that I was tired and that I\’ll see him tomorrow.
He finally sent a msg back \”___ wants your ass, but who wouldn\’t?\”
Right. I didn\’t respond, but he signed online and imed me. Repeating what he said earlier. Small talk. Then I said that I wouldn\’t blame his friend for being stupid because they were drunk at a bar. I didn\’t take anything seriously. \”You\’re hot, you know it.\”
I said thanks and basically signed off after that.
The following day, Ben imed me asking whether he should apologize. I said it didn\’t matter. I knew he was buzzed and sure I could excuse him. I hate this kind of thing where people use alcohol as a way to say things they want to say, but couldn\’t. Then I accused him of saying random, meaningless things. \”Oh, I was telling the truth.\”
Right.
I miss companionship, but I don\’t want a fling. I am not like that. I am prude and we all know it.
Later that Saturday night, I saw him the winetasting event hosted by the grad student association. We simply exchanged smiles. I talked about the things I wanted to do before leaving Pittsburgh. He said he would help me.
And then, a few e-mails later, we talked about it online and I asked for his suggestion. \”A romantic night with onDemand with Ben and the friend\”. Then a few seconds later, he said \”minus the friend\”.
I hate games, but hey it\’s my last month. Carpe Diem. I make no sense, but I just want to remember my confusion of this very moment.