I can analyze everything to details. I would examine from multiple angles—trying in desperation in understand what, why, how.
Questions of could I have seen it differently? What if I said something else? How would someone else in my shoes react?
Yesterday, I stated bluntly as I drove up 17th street, \”I have to admit that the gift got me thinking…and I suppose that is my question: What is the state of our relationship?\”
He responded, \”Why define it? Why analyze it?\”
I think that I may have laughed and decided to drop it. I could tell that it was awkward. But then I realized now that I put him on the spot. Nobody likes to show vulnerability—it\’s more a question of who shows it first that is the vulnerable one. We adjust accordingly so that it doesn\’t seem that way.
At some point in the conversation, I said…I showed you my cards. Now you show me yours.
In almost all cases like this, I have reread a lot of my journal entries—the truth, the rationale was always right there in front of me. I chose to ignore it most of the time. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. In this case, I am not sure what it is. Because I also feel magnetized toward him—but I resist so much because it\’s unhealthy for me.