I don\’t know when it stopped. I don\’t know how. But I think about my life—I am doing better now, but I hide it well. I talk about things openly, but I am guarded.
Depressing moments hit me as I watch couples express their happiness. My mind wanders back to Chris and me—and it falls empty. It hurts because of all the history. Last Sunday, I thought that…maybe I was wrong. Could anybody else be as dedicated to help me? I felt the scars smart and they pinch so much. Despite the incidents that I had, he came through…he watched…
And at an early checkpoint, there was a place where you filled in the blank:
\”If I died tonight, ________\”
I just wrote, Tell the ones who I love that I love them.
Chris said that he wouldn\’t tell me until we got to the end. Near the end, he told me. \”To spend it with the one that I love.\”
Sadness dripped through my soul as earlier that week I had decided that it would not be Chris. I am unhappy…as right now I see a dark future. I can\’t plan and planning is in my nature—my love. I don\’t see future travel. I don\’t see anything. The only glimmer of hope is when I think of moving to Europe, I hope that he may move with me.
And yet, when I think of Francis, my mind immediately wanders to possibility. It\’s a never-ending illness sometimes. I think of future events…and it\’s just pollutes my thinking. But there\’s the tension. I just want to know. I just want to know what will happen. And it\’s that line that I have not crosses that causes my anticipation.
I don\’t know why I am attracted toward him—is it the possibility? I can\’t explain why. The exoticism. The certainty at some level. The stability. I don\’t know…and I just want answers.