I cried uncontrollably today as I neared the end of the book.
Because…perhaps I am not filled with the quality time that I sought from taiche. I sought it from others—and Francis filled that void so easily. And that\’s how all of this come to fruition.
I am stuck. I don\’t want I want. Whatever the case I don\’t want what I have now.
In the shower, I wailed the longest that I have in the last 6 months. It has been 6 months since my biggest disappointment in Peru. Since the first time that Francis filled the void—and I allowed him to do it. It has been 6 months since I realized that something was wrong and off. I didn\’t feel right.
My heart fills so hurt and I don\’t want it anymore.
Sure there are the affirmations that the counselor told me to engrain in myself. I have tried writing, but I constantly tear up and I cannot write. I can\’t focus. And through my tears, my focus is lost.
What is the reality? I am demotivated. I don\’t eat well. I am tired so easily. Am I depressed?
I feel like I am falling into a hole and I am only holding to the edges just for support, but slipping so easily…slipping.
But I am…as Dr. Chapman said in the book…I am running empty. Or at least I always had it filled by others. And then our style of seeing each other became routine. There was a moment that it felt like an obligation.
Here it goes again, my heart tearing apart. I want to put something over me to not feel the pain anymore.