I was getting more progressively unhappy. I felt abandoned initially. Then guilted. And confused.
I tried various techniques but I didn\’t understand what was going on with francis. He gave differing messages to Greg and me. Did he know that I was sharing them?
It all started when I decided to call him thinking that he was going to be nearby—thinking that he was going to attend. Then he said he wasn\’t—he was out with his boys—commonwealth. So I wasn\’t sure. It seemed like he was trekking elsewhere—being a different person. Maybe I just didn\’t vibe with him at that moment, but I almost just…stomped into the bar feeling sourly abandoned. I didn\’t get what was going on.
Then I couldn\’t help but say it aloud. He\’s not coming. He\’s out with Commonwealth. And then perhaps all the confusion ensued. I don\’t know what\’s going on, but I was joking…unleashed something. Then it turned into something else.
And eventually, I decided that I couldn\’t take it anymore. And I went home. Hungry, sad…and perhaps my displeasure was increasing.
This. Am I looking for a reason to end it? My cruel way? My belly aches with hunger and I desperately want to leave. But it\’s all fake…and the bad feelings remain with me.
I am struggling not to unleash my usual tirade—I think that I\’ll talk to him. But who knows how I\’ll feel in the morning. And I certainly don\’t want to cry in front of him.
Perhaps I\’ll say this:
I am sorry about what happened. I didn\’t mean to overstep boundaries. I can say that I was joking the entire time, but it\’s irrelevant. But I need to set limits—I can\’t deal with issues like this. Are you or are you not? All of this is rooted in me—I don\’t like uncertainty. I want to find clarity. Everything in clarity. I don\’t want to hesitate and be afraid anymore. So I just want to say…I am in.