What does it mean to: own my anger?
It tears me apart on the inside. I admitted today to Francis about how I imagined myself…given some miraculous drug….or being drunk…how I could be given the excuse to rage and/or insult people. Internally, I always believe that the worst pain is the emotional pain, the honest truth. All I want to do hurt someone with my words, to feel the metaphorical knife sink in. Deeply.
Sometimes I think that the pain I cause during my friendship breakups are a result of that. It\’s where I relish the glory of causing emotional pain. My sadist side loves it. And yet it\’s so masochistic, because you can see clearly how it hurts me too. As tears run down my face and I speak the truth and false truths, in hope that I am dragging someone down with me.
Here\’s what I am angry about right now.
The comments Roger made about how we are not allowed to be angry when a car cuts off
The comments Roger made about how I felt comfortable with Chris…and that\’s why I chose him
Francis\’ comments about my inability to surf because I could not do a \”press up\”
Francis constant defense about how it\’s different in Europe and that I don\’t get it
Francis\’ annoying lack of conviction
Francis\’ irritating comments of beauty that seem so shallow, so meaningless
Francis claiming that he is non-judgemental when I hear so much judgment about everyone, everything; quick judgement of movies and TV
Francis\’ claim (or joke???) that I didn\’t respond to texts and email; it\’s unfair since he does the same thing to me
Francis\’ comments about the dignity and grace to uphold during the bachleorette party invitation
Doctor\’s claim that I should consider \”medicine that may help you with your anxiety\”
All the friends that pressured me to drink, especially those literally forced a drink on me or made comments of my character
People who react badly when I tell them what I feel, especially those who immediately defend themselves instead of hearing me out
Parents for not letting me live the way I want to live
Mommy Ng for breaking the back scratcher just because she wanted something to hit with
Mommy Ng for forcing me to eat things that I didn\’t want to eat, being punished for not eating
Parents for not encouraging me to write
Hypocrisy of parents for getting angry when I leave things behind, but not allowing me to be angry when they leave things behind
Mommy Ng for getting mad that my birthday present wasn\’t good enough; when they also forget my birthday too and/or not giving gifts…yet expect something in return