i see myself

One thing that had struck me about Karen\’s xanga was how she often reflected on what she wrote. She complained about her e190 class and how the papers were long and difficult. Yet the following day, she wrote how she thought she was selfish. Taking a class meant education. She felt that she was ungrateful for this kind of opportunity. Am I missing that mindset?

I often underestimate the length of a task, especially if I never did it before. I had promised Angie, the marketing lead, that I would take over her position for the next two weeks. It was supposed to be simple tasks–taking pictures of staff for the rescomp booklet and tabling for calso (the orientation for incoming freshman). Today, I was supposed to table in the Memorial Glade. I got to the main office and checked my mail first. Angie had sent a confirmation e-mail, which confused me.

\”There is supposed to be a card table and a chair?\” she wrote.

What was she implying with the question mark? That I was supposed to get it? That it was going to be somewhere? I hated how she passed the responsibility to me when it wasn\’t prepared initially. I saw the dolly and the flyers. I didn\’t understand. Then she also wrote, \”You tabled before, right? I never did.\”

It irked me. I like things that are organized and set. I couldn\’t stand it if I had no authority to accomplish the tasks. I didn\’t see a card table or chair anywhere in the office. I didn\’t see the roll of tape either. Furthermore, I don\’t usually communicate with the majority of the people in the office. somehow, I didn\’t want to stoop to that level. I could feel my blood boiling.

Nonetheless, I dragged the banner and flyers all the way to Memorial Glade. Apparently, I was supposed to bring my own table and chair when I saw other organizations bring their own.

I screamed silently and dropped the banner on the ground, meant to save space for the table. I walked back to the office, took almost 10 minutes. I finally noticed the the table was behind the couch and the chairs were hidden between the shelves. I got them out and put them on the dolly. Then this was the second most embarrassing part of the day. I clunked my way down the elevator. Then I got to the door and tried to get the dolly through it without having the door smack me in the face. The guy at the front desk finally said to use the handicapped autodoor thing. i used it and gave a emotionless thanks. I dragged the table and chair to memorial glade. To my dismay, the banner wouldn\’t show appropriately across the table. I managed something. Only 4-6 people approached my table…out of the hundreds of freshman.

I got my pants wet because the sprinklers were on. I was in a huffy mood.

When the tabling was over, I managed to get the table and chair back to the front door of the office without much problems. Then came the elevator. I was in a bad mood because I saw Aaron. The chair kept slipping out of the dolly and I looked like I constantly needed help. It got more embarrassing, but maybe because I am overly sensitive. In defiance, I just stood at the elevator for several minutes, letting others go ahead of me. To them, it may have been a polite gesture–to let them go ahead of me as not to disturb them. But for me, I just didn\’t want to be around anyone anymore. I didn\’t want people asking me \”DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?\” What can I say, \”yes I hate this. bring this up to 3rd floor….OK BYE.\”

I finally was able to get on an elevator. and got to the third floor, but the chair and table kept falling out of the dolly. And I couldn\’t get out fast enough and found myself going back to the first floor on the elevator. UGH. So some guy came in the elevator and told me how to put the table/chair on the dolly. Sure he was being helpful, but I was not happy. I was struggling with both of these things and I just didn\’t want to do this anymore. At the office, I dumped the chair and table in the back. I also dumped the flyers…which was making my backpack incredibly heavy. In fact, right now, my shoulders and neck still ache. Aaron came over, which made me more silently pissed. He\’s not the type to understand \”I DON\’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN.\” So I reluctantly answered the futile question of \”when are you leaving?\”

\”mid-august,\” I responded. My thoughts were whether this was an attempt at small talk or whether he really cared…because he wanted to see me again?

It\’s all this. I get angry so easily nowadays. Just so easily irritated. I was very heavily bothered today when I woke up and found a list that my dad made. He had made a to-do list for me. Why?! I can manage all of this on my own. I had repeatedly said yesterday how I had the same concerns as he did. I always took care of them sufficiently. Why why why!!! It\’s ok if they worry about it when I was going off to college. But now I am going to grad school!

I complained. Then I ranted about how my blood pressure will go up with these anxieties. To my amusement, my dad responded by turning on the tv, which was set to espn. He pointed at the tv which was showing the spelling bee. \”Now that is real anxiety,\” he said.

All of this seems really trivial. My irritation. The irritations only are about temporary things. But I let myself slip to these stresses. I get annoyed at the car that is slowing me down on the freeway. I get annoyed at my dad who comes into my room to use the computer, waking me up. I get irritated at the bus that blocks my way to cross the street. I get pissed off at the crack in the sidewalk that sends me flying, but fortunately I am able to keep my balance. These are normal every day stresses and I am just not dealing with them well enough.