I just couldn\’t accept the \”help\”. I refused all forms of generosity, all forms of \”love\”, all forms of it being normal. I think that I wanted to be clear that things are not normal. I refused all attempts at him to offer food (meat) and egg. Like suddenly, I didn\’t want to eat, but I was hungry. I wanted to protest. I wanted to have a hunger strike to show my defiance.
I knew that it was illogical, but I could not do it anymore. It felt too uncomfortable to accept. As if things were the way they were. The first time, I mumbled something about getting it myself. But then I realized that the standard was that he was controlling it all. So I refused everything. I refused meat…at the BBQ. Everything. I refused the egg. I didn\’t want to accept something that he helped me get.
And so unfortunately, I was there hungry, resisting the meat. Because I was protesting. Because I was unhappy with everything. Because I didn\’t want to see him there.