Rubbing my ego

I decided to simply dive in.  That new job.

I expected that it would be similar to my previous gigs—all the freelance ones where I would be dragged into deep messes.  And worst of all, I would start to regret my decision.

But it’s clear that something is different.  Or perhaps it’s the first time in a long time that I have been treated well during my first week.  I can’t recall the last time when I felt treated this way—as a valuable employee.  It certainly wasn’t at the startup, nor was it at the design consultancy…maybe the next one, but was it like that at Palm?  I remember feeling dumped at my desk without anything to do.  Then in 2 weeks, I took off to Peru.

I am getting this message: “You’re valued here.  We need you.”

Which for pretty much anyone makes you want to give back.  And whatever the case, my words actually matter.  It’s as if the position was made for me and my beliefs.  If this wasn’t here, how could I fit anywhere?

“We’re so lucky that you were attracted here,” they say.

And I wasn’t?  What surprised me was that it was my top choice, but I started having doubts and I didn’t know what to think.  Sure, I can be thoughtful about anything.  And deeply engaged and passionate.  What strikes me is why they wanted me.  I asked once in that desperate call right before my offer.  I can imagine the direction, “Convince her.”

And who knows, James was able to hear my anxieties and address each one.  “I’ll figure out the salary thing,” I said hesitantly, because I didn’t want to appear as a moneyhogger.

Even then.  It’s not the money.  It’s about how money reflects status and seniority.  I didn’t want to be paid less than my equivalent.

They are rubbing my ego a little too well.  And perhaps taking advantage of my talents.  At least I hope so.  I mean, it’s only the end of the third day, so I hope that it means well.  No fears.