Last week, I started this thing where I would evaluate myself. But I had been doing it ever since I started the new job. Did I really see myself here? Did I really enjoy this work? What have i done to myself? Can I last? Can this really help me in my career?
What was troubling this week was the creeping boredom that was encompassing my work. I still care that the work is done right and with integrity. But there was this overarching thing about it all—I sort of don’t care about what really happens. As part of my job, I do care, but I can fake that caring.
Then today, I am faced with the most troubling aspect of it all. The fact that my work won’t be valued. The fact that the whole “patient needs come first”, my work is a threat and won’t be considered important. How can it be considered important in terms of the entire organization?
I am talented enough to eeke out the answers when I need it. I can get all of that done. I am able to convince groups to do things. I am not sure if I was supposed to be aggressive. I am new. But this feeling is unpleasant.
And so I was told to play the new card — I don’t know what I am doing! I am new!
But even if that card is played, what’s important to me in my work is that my work is effective and makes impact. What it says to me when I am told that I played too hard is that the work is invaluable. And suddenly here I don’t want to play. But what am I doing if I keep thinking about leaving and jumping ship?
Being told that I did something wrong is the worst feeling of course. But there are times when it doesn’t matter. Oh you didn’t log your time correctly. You forgot to submit the expense. You did this. You did that. But when it comes to the work and the philosophy of how you applied your work, that is a feeling that kills. It’s the kind of thing that would sink me. Perhaps in depression.
And when there’s a culture mismatch. That’s the worst of all.
When taiche called, I wept. The pain of it all was horribly uncomfortable. And I didn’t want this. I don’t want it. I don’t want it.