And then today marks the day of a broken friendship.
For awhile, even marked on my new year’s goals wall was to not break friendships. But as it happens at least once a year, I can’t help it.
Or can I?
Am I simply slowly removing people who have made me feel that I am not good enough? Which to some might seem like a noble thing. Or am I simply surrounding myself with yes men?
Whatever the case, what was horrible was that it happened right at the Game of Thrones concert. It had been something that I had been looking forward to as a fan of soundtrack music…especially when it supports an unbelievable story.
And yet there it was. First it was an innocent question from Karen.
That research study that you’re doing, does it apply to people outside the United States?
Always one to talk to friends, a goal to always maintain connection. I cheerily replied that it wasn’t, but I would be happy to include her just for the survey data. And then it turned into a how are you.
Backing up, we had met early in Berkeley. Meeting each other during our first section—which turned out that we didn’t have to attend since lecture didn’t happen yet. I didn’t get into that class, but we maintained in touch. Across campus. She was relatively successful and smart. So I was quite in awe. A bit fobby, but very self-directed. I was within many her friendship circles meeting many people. I invited them to my parents’ house to the pool next door. We ate. We did many things together. But as I moved into the circle, I also moved out of the circle, stripping nearly all her friends until it was her again by the end of college.
My identity grew and reshaped itself. I went to graduate school and she went to Boston. There she stayed and I would see her from time to time. Making the long treks. Always willing. Always able.
And so I found my own interests, my own desires. And soon I saw her friendship as a facade of the past. But I always held onto it.
Despite all the moments where it may have been a dealbreaker and painful, but I never said anything. Because those were all small pin pricks until they weren’t. Questions of why no marriage? Why not pursuing this and that? It was all painful, but I said nothing, because she was in a different country so why even bother?
Interestingly, another former friend from another country touched sensitive topics when she visited. Instead of ignoring it, she tried to find out what’s wrong. By the end of the visit, I decided that our friendship would end. And the last I saw of her was her walking into the airport with a large backpack.
So in the bright lights of the SAP center, she messaged me. I pressed my lips together as she went through questions of marriage, kids, commitment, premarital sex. I knew her views were traditional, but I kept my comments tight. And yet, she must have sensed something.
But the concert began. For a moment, I was distracted.
Then intermission began. I couldn’t help but answer. And spilled a long winding answer about how I was hurt and everything, hoping that everyone will close down.
But of course, as i perceive any comments that I make was corrected. Clarified, she said. When I said, “I would like you better if you spoke Chinese”, I meant that i would happy if you would learn. How could you have known what you actually said 15 years ago when I still remember it years later and still use it as an example of never being good enough. And the things that people do wrong. So I took her complaints and agreed. Yes I was all of this.
Then the intermission was over. Soon I was in the music.
But then it ended. And I was back. More clarifications. No empathy. No sympathy. I couldn’t find any within myself.
I thought of our long friendship since 2000. What was it for? To just have someone to pretend that we’re somebody? To have someone for the sake of a friend? We spoke maybe once a year. Our interests barely overlap. And perhaps that’s why she could only touch on sensitive topics. Things that my friends here and now wouldn’t broach unless I bought it up.
And so it ends. Just like that. Thank you and goodbye.