Okay, so I get it now. Meets some, achieved some impact, but not what is expected.
I mentioned the feelings of just…well I don’t know…feeling tired. Exhausted? Over to book club. It’s these feelings of…it’s not enough, it’s never enough. To do the work at work. To do enough.
I realize more recently that perhaps, just perhaps, that I am around overachievers and that if I don’t have the energy to be one, well it is going to burn me out. I don’t want to keep striving even though I know that I can reach inside me and really can. It’s going to drive me crazy and stress me out.
It’s not quite the life I want.
What’s interesting is that I heard about this thing called PiP for a long time and I don’t think that it’s really that. But I gave myself one, tracking every step because I didn’t want someone else to do it for me. But in doing so, that’s exactly what I did to myself.
I am tired. And I don’t want to constantly feel like a failure. I don’t want to be constantly reminded of that. It doesn’t work.
And isn’t this what it is? You’re not meeting expectations, so try harder. But in doing so, you burn out. You have nothing left. It is essentially that thing: you don’t belong here.
That’s what so bothersome about it. Because I have thought long and hard about the imposter syndrome. The idea that I am a fraud. But then I read something over the weekend about how it’s not really about that. It’s about whether you can find what your weaknesses are, what your strengths are. Because everyone can’t necessarily meet the bar.
Well I guess when I re-read the article, it’s about did I get there on my own identity and strengths?
Yes, I did!
When I talked to Stephanie over the weekend, I thought about how badly behaving coworker was someone who likely couldn’t get this job and how thrilled I was. LOOK I GOT IT AND HE DIDN’T.