hope in the air

Despite the annoying construction sounds next door, I woke up feeling brighter. More at peace. Maybe it was yesterday\’s phone call. Maybe it was because I sent a graduate-student level (I personally thought it was highly intellectual of me) e-mail for research. I don\’t know.

And all the anxieties I had with people today. Almost disappeared. For the longest time, I have been worrying that I have seemed too quiet/shy in certain instances. When I went to the research group meeting today, I walked in with surprising confidence. Grabbed my sandwich and drink. I said hi to Peter and was finally able to make (feeble) small talk and not feel like a fool. I didn\’t sit in anxious i-am-pretending-to-be-busy mode. The graduate student I am working was doing his talk today at the meeting. To my surprise, he credited me not once but twice. But I digress. At my IEOR 170 project group, I felt much more at ease. At the beginning of the semester, I made myself seem too opinionated, too obnoxious. As a result, I worried myself into a quiet, non-speaking member of the group. Today, I finally spoke my mind. Made good contributions. Made a few jokes. And was able to initiate small talk. And as usual, I got the boost of self-confidence at work. Somehow, I always have the ability to make the jokes at work. And I have the ability to talk with anybody. It was curious when one of my coworkers asked me to go with him to put up the new posters when I didn\’t have to. After a year of feeling out-of-place, this year I feel like I am sustainable and independent.

I know the above sounds so silly. Just a futile analysis of everyday mundane things. But climbing out of a self-pity rut, I want to reflect on all the optimistic moments today. The moments that brought small sucesses.

As I was walking back to my apartment–cutting through campus, someone rode his bike past me. He suddenly said, \”Hey Jenn, what are you smiling at?\”

I stuttered, \”What….who…?\” I startled, stopped in my tracks. I heard him chuckle. I turned and looked at the person riding off, but I couldn\’t see his face. It was odd, because I didn\’t know that I was smiling. It reminded me of freshman year when my suitemate commented aloud, \”Jenn, you\’re always smiling!\” And the same with my previous friends.

Maybe those times are returning. Those were the times that I thought the world was at the tip of my fingers.

I think the perfect moments are when you said just enough and he said just enough. A perfect conversation. And even if you didn\’t get to talk as long as you wanted to, it was perfect. This is the moment you walk away from, smiling without knowing why.