exuberance

I am tricking myself. Or maybe not. I feel that I am going to miss Berkeley. Or just certain people. For the last few weeks, I have found myself drifting in the office just trying to see if anybody would call me. And it\’s just all about the people I probably won\’t have a chance to see again.

For my more academic friends. Karen and others. I almost don\’t feel any sense of nostalgia because she\’s moving to the east coast too. And we have established this kind of relationship that is ok to visit. there\’s just this feeling, no discomfort when someone says \”visit me\”. Because it\’s possible.

and then there\’s other people. My other friends. Like the people I work with. I haven\’t yet reached a level of relationship with them that I can just readily say, \”Stay over at my house. Visit me. I want to see you again.\” It\’s not that close, and I really just want friendships that are close enough to say that without any underlying meaning.

I smile a lot when I am with people I enjoy being around. I do it almost unconciously. And at the same time, I do smile a lot when I am nervous. There are moments that I spent with people that I become overly self-conscious. I watch how I act and behave and that itself destroys any pleasure of the moment.

Today, I got my meal card for free meals sponsored by rescomp for the DC. So I was satisfied. then I realized how I used to hate sitting in the DC eating with people. I always wanted to be alone. I couldn\’t stand people looking at my food, judging me based on what I ate. Maybe they don\’t look…but sigh.

So at first Chris invited me to go. I saw that he was going with Ian and Rohit. My first thought was no. I can\’t go with them. I felt this incredible nervousness overcome with me. I didn\’t want to feel like the quiet one. So I faked a \”i just want a meal card just because and i don\’t like dc food\” attitude and shook my head when he tried inviting me again. Then 15 minutes later, Angie wanted to go. I am more comfortable with her, her being essentially the only other girl in rescomp. I faked another \”i want to go home and eat\” attitude and looked reluctant to go knowing that she would easily convince me. I followed her out of the building. And then those feelings of eating at the DC as a freshman returned. I felt awkward as I got my food. I don\’t know why. There are still so very few people that I truly feel comfortable eating with. Perhaps, eating is something that I like to do in private. Nausea almost overcame me as I sat down with my tray. I wanted to eat alone so bad. But I struggled against that feeling and basically looked down at my food at the entire time. Occasionally, I would quip something in the conversation. But it was bad. And I didn\’t feel like myself. I didn\’t like what I was eating that much. I wanted cake, but I was too nervous to go get it. I hated wearing my glasses. I wanted to wear my contacts so bad. I didn\’t feel normal and felt so incredibly awkward. And despite all this, I tried to ignore it. Not as bad as other times. Now that I recognize this kind of feeling, I really want to stop it. I don\’t feel uncomfortable as much in restaurants. But I feel so uncomfortable in a DC. Maybe it\’s because this is where I am required to express myself in front of people I don\’t know by the choice of my food. Maybe it\’s that.