it\’s agony

Patrick, the former person of my room, called me today. I was surprised. Sort of shocked really. When I visited in July, I just couldn\’tbe myself. I was suddenly my quiet, shy self. I worried a lot of what to say. I wasn\’t surrounded by familiarity. Perhaps, I seemed too reserved. I felt so guilty as a result. Then I got his screenname and talked to him online in early August. It was the day his last project was due. But we talked for a good 3 hours, delaying his entire procrastination. At that time, i was in my emotional turmoil with Chris. Talking to someone else without any strings attached was almost like a breath of fresh air. And I felt good, like someone really listened to me.

Anyway, it wasn\’t much more than that. A good talk and it just made me feel like I had made another precious connection.

And perhaps I shouldn\’t be that surprised that he called. But for some reason, the last 3 weeks have been entirely overwhelming. I don\’t know what happened to me. I feel like I am so introverted again. I encounter all these awkward silences. I can\’t speak clearly. I have lost my former confidence when communicating with people. I don\’t know who I am. I can only articulate myself clearly online, but it isn\’t enough. I don\’t feel like I am who I was in Berkeley. That person. My anxiety is always so high because I worry all the time about what I say and do. And that affects my socialization.

Why am I so dependent on others? I used to be independent, and knew how to do my own thing. Was it because of this recent summer and how I spent so much time with Chris&Chris that I lost my independence? Time to reverse. Time to revert. I can be happy without anybody else. I can be the one who makes me happy.