not quite here, not quite anywhere

I am so afraid that when I return to the Bay Area that I will be a different person. Not returning home. There I would be the same old me. But rather, how I will be like around my friends.

Because sometimes I feel like a harbor a different personality. I tend to be suddenly more outgoing. More…myself? Suddenly here in Pittsburgh, I just…can\’t…get it. I am more self-concious. I worry all the time about what I say or do. Like whether I was too rude, or too mean. Or whether i was too blunt. I am worried. And as a result, I get whipped back with awkward silences. I hate those. I don\’t know why I can\’t have fluid conversations as I used to have. I talk to someone, and then suddenly we reach one of those…walls. What are we supposed to say, what are we supposed to do?

There are times like this where I want to cry. It upsets me that I don\’t have the same shelter that I did in the bay area. But the more I crave what is familiar, the more I will never want to change. I won\’t move on. That\’s not all I am about.

Today during the research, I suddenly started wondering if this was the right path for me to take. A student in the program had just withdrawn because he realized that he would rather work as a software developer than go through the masters program. Influenced, I wondered if this was exactly what I wanted to do. I heard about the people who were working at Google and saw that they were having the times of their lives. Yet, as I did the research meeting with Jack and Jason, I realized how abstract it was. So not concrete. It made me feel uncomfortable. The design of it all. But then maybe this was a sign that I couldn\’t be a researcher. Could I be a usability analyst? At rescomp, I found so much comfort in fixing computers. I liked managing things. But that was probably because I knew my place.

I like talking to Carol when it\’s just the two of us. But there are times when I think she\’s too polite. Too…selfless. When we were walking to the restaurant for the birthday dinner, she called out all the girls. Confused, I stepped forward. Then she pointed to the car, somewhat dragging me there. I wasn\’t too happy. I tried to drag her there instead, but failed. Two cars to drive people. Everyone else was to walk. I mumbled, \”I am not a weakling.\”

But on the way back to our house, we talked about our deeper things. And it\’s always times like that…that remind me that I am not alone in my pseudo-homesickness. A lot of us left things behind to seek this program. We were willing to sacrifice the places we knew, the people we knew to get this goal. None of us were lazy in doing it. We were ambitious…we wanted it that much.

When I first met Kun, it was really at the July 4th party I had at my house a few years ago. At that time, I thought what a great boyfriend Kathy had found. He was funny. The right kind of humor that I enjoyed. So when I heard that he had been accepted to CMU, I was happy even though I didn\’t know him that well. Looking forward to attending here. But here, I have found him…very politically incorrect. Very rude sometimes. And dirty? Don\’t take him serious? Where was his sensitive side? Why was he so superficial? I don\’t understand.

Charles is cool. Shannon has this shy, quiet look. Jeff despite being 4 years older than me is interesting too. Polo reminds me a lot of the really fobby nerds I knew in Berkeley. The ones that were really \”outcasts\”. He and I have that kind of connection, but sad to say, I just don\’t try enough. If this was a few years ago, I would have had a better friendship with him just because I know that I could. This is the kind of friendship I would have taken. The conservative path.

Right now, I think I am just tossing out names so that I could remember these first 3 weeks, the way it was at the beginning. Years from now it would be do you remember when…

Chris imed me today telling me that his friend was visiting him. But he kept talking to me. I told him not to ignore his friend. And then suddenly he said that he wished it was me visiting him. That it was hard not to pay attention to me. I ignored that comment and told him to be a good host. Yet, later his comment bothered me. It is flattering itself, but then I wonder how sincere it really is. Does he say it to any friend he has? And why me if I am just another friend of his. Just another special friend? I still don\’t understand why I am so special, what makes me so meaningful?

Let\’s turn that around. Why do I find him so meaningful? I don\’t really. I just like the attention. I admire his ability to do system administration sure. We share the same tastes in movies and music. But is that enough. I don\’t think so.