a dizzying sick feeling

One of my friends went overseas for 6 weeks and she complained about how homesick she was.

I thought that was silly. She was going to return in 6 weeks, back to California.

Would I think I am that silly for being homesick. Just for being away from California for 2 years? But I refuse to believe I am homesick. I believe that I am having separation anxiety. From people I used to know in Berkeley.

While doing my homework assignment for Methods, suddenly I got this sick feeling. Nauseous almost. It was the fact…that my mind was I watched the video wandered over to what would happen if I returned to the Bay Area.

A few days ago, I had a dream with Chris in it. I dreamt that somehow my flight was magically delayed. A nuisance, but somehow I was in the Bay Area again. Right before I was supposed to leave for Pittsburgh. Two days delayed. Was that a good thing or was that delaying the inevitable? And my dream dealed with a dilemma of whether I should spend more time in Berkeley with Chris. Whether it would be worth it or not.

I don\’t know now. I have this hopeless feeling that when I do return, whenever I do return. Life will always continue as before and it doesn\’t matter if I am there or not. Nobody really would miss my presence. I have this habit of wanting to be truly important. I just can\’t accept that I am just like everyone else.

Chris is not as open as he used to be. And the same with the other Chris. It hurts sort of. Someone told me about my nostalgia…that when I moved away, I will find less in common with people I used to know. And this is how we will drift away. That\’s how it is. And it will boil down to wedding invitations and a decreasing amount of annual xmas cards. That\’s why this right now is our time of our lives. It\’s because later…there\’s nothing left except memories of what it once used to be.

Take all the risks. You\’ll never have this kind of chance again.