almost one month

It is almost one month since I left the Bay Area. I feel better now about things than before. Although I still haven\’t found THE friends that will make me feel like I found a home, it\’s ok.

It\’s not that I miss the Bay Area. It has always been missing the feeling I get when people give me attention. Maybe that\’s it. I am struggling now with the people I knew there. Chris&Chris. Of course, Chris Wong is always the friend that I have always wished that I had while in Berkeley. The kind that I wished I had right now. He\’s like the immature friends I had when I was a freshman in Berkeley. But slightly more wiser. He makes fun of me the right amount and is sensitive enough to know the limit.

And then. Then there\’s THE chris. I talked with James who was Chris\’ roommate for three years at Berkeley. And we agreed…that Chris was one big mood. That if he\’s happy, everything is happy to him. If he\’s sad, then everything…is sad. Everything that he does is based on his mood. His moodiness. No wonder emo rock had appealed to him.

And now I think I would have been barely interested. It\’s just the fact that he paid attention to me. I am trying to figure out what was so great. Sure we shared similar interests. But I don\’t know…what\’s beyond that.

I had a nightmare the other day of how I returned back to the Bay Area. And then I was overcome with the realization that I didn\’t really belong there. Life went on. But if I stayed, life would be different anyway. School is one of the few places where the people will keep cycling. You\’re at the same place perhaps, but it\’s not the same. You won\’t recognize people you knew. They just…aren\’t there. It\’s the same, yet it\’s so different.

Why do we crave the familiarity? The only reason I missed it so much earlier was that I wasn\’t succeeding here in obtaining a niche. I still haven\’t, but I am ok now. I am ok.