a wrap of bitterness and resentment

I can be really condescending. I can really be mean. I can really be cruel.

The main problem is that I do mean it. I rarely say something that I do not mean.

It must have been building up inside me for the last few weeks. I just couldn\’t stand the fact that there was just nothing to say to Chris anymore. That the only reason I was most likely attracted toward him was because of the way he made me feel. And now, I feel like…I am completely empty. I am devoid of any desire to be attracted to anyone. Including him. Nobody really appeals to me.

Yet, at the same time, it\’s that incessant desire inside me that I want someone to just be there. I don\’t…care that much for friends…sometimes. I just want to be like everyone else. Be like…the same level. Same status. Could I really be satisfied with living by myself?

So Chris ims me, and he asks \”what\’s up?\” I have always hated that question. It has completely no substance. Nothing is up. Nothing. Generally, I would answer what is on my mind at the very moment. I just came back from the greatest networking reception, had the best food or I am swamped with work this week. Group meetings every day. But I decided not to go the generic route and pressed him with the same question. He then tells me that he has a lot of work to do. Then I bring up my book again, the one he still hasn\’t signed.

Earlier, I had been thinking that he sent it to me without writing in it at all. It would be a stab to myself. A cut. But I wanted to feel it.

He said that what he would write in it would be completely different now than before, because I haven\’t seen him since August. Time apart. That just set me off on my usual tirade of how people change when there is absence, when someone leaves. Then of course, that had to go into how I felt about him. All this bitterness came out…not surprising I guess.

He asked me if I wanted Mike to write in it. And I said…that it wouldn\’t matter anyway.

I told him to just send it to my Lafayette house, my parents\’ house. And that I didn\’t want to see it anyway. To not even send it to Pittsburgh. \”Why even have it?\” he asked. Because my self last August wanted to enjoy the moment.

Several minutes later, I apologized for my bitterness. He asked how he had offended me. I refused to say any more. And that\’s how our conversation ended.