in my unwishful dreams

Sometimes the strangest things happen in my dreams. But normally, what happens in my dreams is about me dealing with present anxieties. That I would be scolded for not being productive enough. Or that I didn\’t deserve to come to CMU. Or that my work wasn\’t up to par. That I wasn\’t being an outgoing housemate. Things like that.

But yesterday night, I was jolted out my dream almost out of surprise. What happened was that I had a dream about my classmates in my program. From the very first day, I was able to figure out who i could befriend. I had chosen one guy. My first impression was that he was the only other asian american there (well it turned out that there were 2 more, but I didn\’t know that). So I talked to him. I could tell he was shy. Not dependent like I am, but I could tell that he was afraid to say too much, or that he didn\’t have much to say.

He smiled instead of talking, a habit of his. An aura of quietness. But I am not saying I was ever attracted. As time went on, I had chosen to take stat because he was too. We often joked around \”if you go, I\’ll go.\” Sometimes my own jokes fall flat, but that\’s the way the world works.

At one point, I was irritated at his quietness. I wanted to have a friend who made me feel…more alive. So quite naturally, I sought my socialization with other people. A balance finally.

But anyway, back to my dream. We were doing our stat homework together as we usually did. And then there was a moment where we had stopped, gone off topic, as most great students do when they don\’t want to do their work. And for some reason, he had to get up…go to the bathroom maybe. His lips brushed across my forehead, to remind me that he was still there. A sign of assurance. Then suddenly, he kissed me sideways. I was surprised.

And then, I was jolted awake. By a desire not to be with anyone. By a desire to be with someone? A pseudo-nightmare? Or just a good dream?