worry myself to death

I sometimes worry so much about what people think of me…that I forget what\’s important.

Like right now, sleep.

I am so worried that people think I am obnoxious and irritating. That I am trying to be someone I am not. And at times, maybe I am. I always fake my way about alcohol. Trying to be a know it all. It\’s just because I don\’t want to be left out. So I try to amend that by being…somebody I am not.

No wonder I felt so uncomfortable during my first weeks here, I didn\’t feel like myself. And worse of all, I don\’t know how it\’s like to be myself anymore.

A few days ago, I went for a walk in the cs buildings. And it just felt so much better, walking by myself. Exploring the building by myself. Nobody to tell me what I should or shouldn\’t do. And it was peaceful. But at the same time, I had this anxiety that I wasn\’t supposed to be like this, that I was isolating other people…and that I would probably be missing opportunities that get me ahead…if I walked around alone. and so I headed back to the classroom to be around people.

Why this desperate need? Why? It bothers me that I always have this need to be accepted. And so I sit here. Trying to decide what happiness is. And it\’s not when I talk to people. But it\’s when I can feel like myself, feel comfortable with myself.

I don\’t remember the last time. But maybe it was when I spent time with Chris in August. Not Chris Wong. But Chris Co. I didn\’t feel like I had to be funny, or smart. I could be myself and that was good enough for him.

I miss the time. But not him.