be who you are

There are few people here that I can feel like I can be myself. That I don\’t have to keep trying.

Yesterday, Carol asked a bunch of what we did in high school for fun. Without thinking, I said \”my computer\”. Maybe I said it as a joke, but I instantenously regretted saying it. Such a geek that I am showing myself to be. I want to be like everyone else, but I want to be me. It\’s a difficult balance.

And so high school. Sometimes I am so ashamed of how I was a loner. But if it wasn\’t for that part in my life, I wouldn\’t be who I am today. And am I not satisfied with who I am today? Contentment? Would I really be any better off if I had been \”normal\” in high school? Or how about worse off?

I feel an instant tinge of regret when I heard people say they just hung out with friends in high school. For fun. Or drove around endlessly. To me, it seems like it was the time of their life. Play video games? Why didn\’t I have that? Why.

I remember small events. Not hanging out with Julie. But going every so often to playland with her. And her family. Maybe once a year. I went with a few friends to Earth Day once in Concord. But I was so shy then…that I didn\’t say a single thing. So quiet. I felt like they didn\’t really want me there. I went with Rebecca to the Berkeley theater to see a movie. That was once. I went with my sister everywhere.

Looking back at my sproadic entries from high school, I was just not depressed then. I was not upfront with my emotions at all. More sarcastic, more in denial.