don\’t disappear on me now

Lele has disappeared. I can\’t find her anywhere.

Normally, that would sound like a joke to me. A joke that I would make on my blog. But it isn\’t. She is one of my good friends. One of my really close friends. Someone I could easily slap with the label of \”best friend\” if I didn\’t like the usage of labels.

Because of grad school, I have become very busy in my own thing. Trying to deal with my life. My desire not to drink. Academics. Job. And so I haven\’t kept in touch with Lele as much as I did several months ago. I was too caught up in my own life. I want to blame myself for not being around enough. Not being good enough. Not being the good friend I thought I was supposed to be.

On October 31, she logged onto the msg board for the last time. At first I thought she was just busy. But then she didn\’t answer my calls her phone. I left voicemail messages.

And then I became anxious. What if she died? I checked the obituaries, thinking that I had missed something. I started thinking of how I would get to New York. Only 8-10 hours away. A short car ride…

But then I noticed she just deleted her url, deleted her livejournal, deleted her friendster profile, and orkut profile. Most likely, she did that on purpose. A way to withdraw. And most likely, she is alive.

But this was painful. Sort of losing a finger. But what could I do. I knew the reasons why she wanted to withdraw. Too much drama online, which I kept myself separated from. But the worry drew on me like a wet cloth.

Was she ok? Did she need any helping hand? A voice to remind her that she was ok. And that she is still a great person in my eyes. One of the greatest people I have met? A twin I have always thought…but different enough…that it made it all ok.

And we still have yet to meet in person. I am in the same time zone, but her being in another state…is still as far as being 4000 miles apart.