indecisive feelings

A few days ago, I was so gung-ho about wanting to do the final project this upcoming summer. However, suddenly I get this feeling that I am not so sure about it anymore.

I looked around my methods class on Wednesday and realized how I was not sure how much I really wanted to work with this set of people. I spent too much time with these people and that has led me to form critical judgements about them. I found myself looking at each person, thinking that I didn\’t want to work with him…or her. And that there weren\’t that many interesting people here. I felt bored by these people. I just couldn\’t feel motivated by anyone. So that started me on another tangent. Maybe I should just travel. Take an internship.

But then fear. I would miss seeing all my classmates. I would be missing the end of their program. I would not be here at all. And this part…this part of the program, the goodbyes are important to me. I don\’t want to be left behind. Don\’t leave me behind. Don\’t forget about me

But isn\’t that a selfish goal? A feeling of acceptance, when ultimately it doesn\’t matter?

Maybe I should get real experience. Try to work my connections. Intern at google? But I am not the greatest. I am not the smartest. I am slowly accepting my fate that I am not the best of the best. I am afraid i can\’t get an internship. But. What to do now when I have the fate of the future years in my hands? Think practical? Think long term? Think about how I will feel?

I just don\’t want to be forgotten.