but you aren\’t mine

I said I didn\’t care. I said I didn\’t like him. He\’s up for grabs.

And I didn\’t flinch when my housemate told me they had kissed. I didn\’t even move a muscle when my housemate told how he didn\’t want to leave the party because of her. I didn\’t feel anything.

But well now I do? I keep so much of what i like to myself. I don\’t really like him…I don\’t. But why do i suddenly feel this tinge of jealousy come over me? Is it because I don\’t have someone that I can claim as my own?

It felt so weird to be giving advice to my housemate. I am so good at acting. Acting that I didn\’t really mind that she was going for him. So I was optimistic for her. Saying that she still had a chance. Saying that he just wasn\’t looking the right way. Telling her that she was worrying too much…that if he was interested, he would have done something. That he would have asked her to hang out. And that he probably didn\’t have enough time.

But I didn\’t want to tell her too much advice. i didn\’t want her to succeed. Maybe it\’s because I don\’t want her to succeed. Not so much for me, but for him. Because she\’s so…self-involved. She rarely talks about anything except herself. When talking to her, she doesn\’t say that much. I don\’t even get a chance to talk about myself, because when I do, she seems suddenly so disinterested. So we talk about her and I listen. I ask questions. I ask if she\’s ok. I ask if she is thinking she\’s making the right choice. I listen. And then it comes to me, why would anybody interested in her when she doesn\’t make someone else feel important?

I was talking to my other housemate today Carol. She said she would have been disappointed if those two started dating. That it was shocking. And that perhaps he deserves better? It\’s for him, not her…

How can someone be interested in somebody…when she doesn\’t even know him. When they only exchanged small talk…

how does lust lead to attraction lead to a relationship? I don\’t see it. That\’s why for me, friends always first. Best friends even.