hear me out

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up I know you\’re there
Can\’t you hear?
I\’m not myself
Well, go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you
So listen up
The sun hasn\’t set
(I refuse to believe that it\’s only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I\’m not over you yet

A regret? Or just an obstacle? Something that I constantly complain nowadays to other girls at Berkeley is…I have never dated anybody from Cal!

It bothers me that I am leaving this university without having accomplishing that task. Am I really that of a coward? Do I not try? Did I miss many opportunities? But it\’s what I make of it. If I have a lemon, make lemonade.

A few weeks ago my sister told me how she didn\’t feel like she fit in. That nobody really understood her. At sd, it\’s all superficial and fake. And I had sensed that when I was there. Anytime I hung out with my sister\’s friends, I would be drained out of energy. All I wanted to do is go back to my sister\’s place and just be there. With my sissy. It was so hard putting up a front.

But thinking about that…almost made me cry. It is something that I probably mentioned before. For me, such a predicament would drive me crazy. Like my sister, nobody would throw me a surprise b-day party. Not that I want one. But it\’s the fact that some people would make the attempt. Not even the female friends I used to have at Berkeley. They just wouldn\’t. Do I really distance myself from people that much…that they don\’t think it\’s enough to give me something in return?

Yet it makes me wonder how some graduate students do it. To me, they seem like lonely people. Too busy for any socialization. Too tied up in their own dissertations. How do they manage it? I see some graduate student instructors with rings on their hands. Time? A hope? Are they as complex? How. It\’s always a quandry.