Today while in class, I started thinking about how my leaving CMU could be used to my advantage. Flings abound that is. And my recent realization of how much power I really do have as a female in a predominantly male program.
But then I thought to myself how I would be dissatisfied with myself. Sure carpe diem, but I prefer meaningful moments. I prefer words said that really are long-term. I prefer actions that have reasons behind it. I do not prefer lust and the random meaningless ways.
I like the long-term. I like things that last. I like things that will be memorable, something that I can come back to, something reliable. That\’s what i know I am looking for.
So with Ben. He\’s only slightly interesting. He would finally match my standard of intelligence, him with a completed bachelors and a masters. Now working to a phd. But school says nothing about a person. It only says something about their ambition and their ability to work with the system. One of the things many people lack is reading my mind as ridiculous as it sounds.
It\’s not that I want someone to understand me. Rather I want someone who gets me, someone who doesn\’t have to try hard to figure out why I do the things I do, why I say the things I do. And can tell when I am being serious and when I am joking. That\’s the connection I am looking for, but where is it? Where did it go?