sometimes the end comes

The end of my Berkeley career (if you can call it that) is coming to an end. And in the last few weeks, I was able to gain a sense of leaving. I was able to figure out what I really missed, what I want to stay, but things never stay the same.

There\’s always constant change. Sometimes I see it as a progression toward a better end. Yet sometimes it\’s just…sad.

The thing I have been lamenting all year long was that the people I know now, I may not know a year later.

Last year when David graduated, I just knew. He and I weren\’t that close, but I still liked his company a lot. I liked talking to him. But we never established a regular schedule of communication. It was only communication for the purpose of work And after his commencement, I said bluntly, \”I may not see you again.\”

The purpose of my statement was to incite his desire to stay in touch. Perhaps it was me who didn\’t make the move. My fault? We haven\’t spoken since that day. What to really say? He is working at KPMG as an auditor. One of those nice cushy jobs that can last the five years required before a MBA. And it\’s all down to, what can we talk about? Maybe there are the jokes of last year, but they seem so overly used.

Is this what is going to happen to the people I know now?

In the end though, if one person doesn\’t try, then it won\’t ever happen. Staying in touch is a matter of mutual feeling. If I want it and you want it, then it will happen in spite of circumstances.

I don\’t want to end up in Pittsburgh just like how I started Berkeley. I entered Berkeley, friendless almost. I had only one friend from high school. A small list on my AIM. The loneliness never really hit me then. It was only when I watched people around me spend time with people. I was a loner. A lone ranger. That\’s not what I want to be when I go to CMU.

A few months ago, my sister became sad when she realized all the people around her were getting surprise birthday parties from their friends. It isn\’t the party itself that made her sad. It was the fact that her own friends would never do such a thing. Like my sister, I tend to have friends that are \”separate\” from each other. But is that really the reason that my sister and I have never gotten a surprise birthday party? Is it because our friends don\’t know who to invite, don\’t feel like they know us that well? But also at times, isn\’t it because they don\’t feel that we are that worth it? Maybe I am brutal enough that nobody really wants to throw something in my honor. It\’s so trivial.

and that is why my sister and I both have a habit of declaring our birthday more than a month ahead of time, annoucing it to everyone we know. Even if we don\’t get a party, then at least we will get some recognition.