Friday night, I was sitting downstairs with the Pittsburgh friends. Had come back from a bar. I had mentioned that I had a new boyfriend and was happy because of it.
But Madhu prodded. He insisted that he was overprotective of his \”close\” female friends and said he wouldn\’t like the guy. At first, I thought that was funny. But then he asked a question as I was going through the pictures…why is he so awesome?
I paused for a moment. All the doubts for the past few months had gathered with me. They had increased with intensity. Despite all of that, I realized how well Chris treated me–better than any of the past boyfriends or interests. He never looked at me without feeling that he wanted to be with me. He was interesting and fun. And he had the great sense of adventure. It almost seemed like he never judged. And that balances well with the critical me.
Yet at that moment downstairs at Jen\’s house, I couldn\’t articulate it all. For some reason, I felt that Madhu wouldn\’t understand my reasons. And even so, previously, I had many doubts about the relationship. And that all boiled to the surface. I hadn\’t slept more than 2 hours in the last 48 hours and felt exhausted. He was needling into my weaknesses. I wanted to be with Chris. Chris filled a need of mine and now I am involved…I can\’t get out. Madhu got at my doubt and my unhappiness of doubt. And as he kept talking and talking, I covered my face with a jacket. Tears streamed down my face. I was distraught and unhappy.
And Madhu didn\’t understand.