a bout of insecurity?

I got an e-mail from a group member today requesting help for tomorrow\’s final. He asked about the second question on the practice final. It was a question that both Vanessa and I had worked hard on earlier and still couldn\’t figure out. We had decided that we were going to meet in front of Cory at 10:30 am to confer with another person who supposedly knew the material well.

So I was writing this e-mail to the group member. I googled around and found an equation that was relevant, but I still didn\’t understand. In the e-mail, I wrote that he could join us at 10:30 if he wanted to.

Then suddenly, I thought about it carefully. This person, I have sometimes run across on campus after meeting him in class. We don\’t exchange a single word at all. It\’s as if we don\’t know each other, but we obviously do. And during the events at senior week, I noticed he was there. But he ignored me completely. There was a moment that we passed each other\’s paths really closely. There was no way he could have not noticed me, but he didn\’t say anything. But then perhaps it was my fault for not saying anything. I remembered him hanging out with a nice group of people. I don\’t remember that clearly, but I think there was a girl being all touchy-feely with him. After all, it\’s a two way street. And that just doubled my anxiety over.

I remember how the group member sent me an e-mail earlier thanking me for sending out the survey analysis. I was slightly surprised because people don\’t usually thank each other…so personally through e-mail. What was his ulterior motive? When I had a meeting with my group (during a tight schedule), I thought it was odd how he smiled a lot while explaining the re-written project. And how he actually responded to the few jokes I made while everyone else gave blank stares. But this didn\’t help anyway.

Remembering how we treated each other, I just wanted to close the e-mail. Why should I cause more questioning of motives? But ultimately what have I got to lose? Obviously, my pride. But I am graduating and leaving Berkeley for good (except the summer) this Saturday. I could lose face but I\’ll have the rest of my life to make it.

Regrets are for things being done right? Regrets for not having done something may be ultimately worse.