I always wondered if my whole \”not drinking\” hasn\’t led me to do things that I wanted to do…but logically knew that I shouldn\’t.
This feels like one of those moments.
I know what\’s good for me. I know he can accept me unconditionally. I know that he has everlasting presence. I know that he can understand all my weaknesses…and looks to strengthen them, not criticize them, not judge them…not put me in an uncomfortable position. And if I had to put a score on it, it\’s pretty good…a 7 out of 10. The 3 points for the career, commitment and mom thing.
And it\’s those 3 points that makes me want to just…go and go. I can tell where everyone else will end up. They will disappoint me. They will be too self-centered. They will not reach my expectations. And most importantly, in my moments of need, they will not be there.
There\’s a part of me that wants to just capture this moment right now. And jump ahead…take two paths. Two copies of me. I want to take the risky route and learn what I can—after all, I am determined to make sure my life isn\’t of regrets. But I want to be able to go to the safe route. I want to return to what I know will last. I want to return to what I know will make me happy.
And so now…always sober…always so sober…and lucid, I tell myself to squash any feelings of looking, exploring. I should take the safe route. I will regret not trying, but why put myself through disappointment…and to return to loneliness?
I can deal with it.