And now…every time I am at desk…I can see him…the top of his head. Knowing he is there…keeping track of where he goes…
And the feeling that I just his attention. I want to press \”ignore\” in my mind. I want to just turn off this thing—this infatuation and crush.
Before, I could control it. I didn\’t care. Sure it flared up during moments of interaction, but I had such a short-term attention span that it didn\’t matter. Once the _he_ wasn\’t there, I had completely forgotten. And Chris was all that was on my mind.
Ever since the disaster of the Peru trip. The planning portion, I have lost trust in the belief that he can succeed. Or that I have lost patience in that he is trying.
Is that why suddenly I am looking elsewhere? Is that what I meant by looking for someone better? The grass isn\’t greener on the other side, I know. But there\’s always hope that the unknown can be shaped into something that is greener.
I am easily flattered by attention—so it makes me behave oddly and I don\’t appreciate it all. But I should believe that Chris is the one. He is the one that gets along with me.
Today, I thought about it. is it the pain of breaking away or is it the pain of not having him to share my life with? Every thing I do, every thing I experience…I want to share. Even though he may or may not care…