I wonder if this is clarity because I have written about this before.
I love him, but I don\’t…I am not sure. I am here, trying to figure out who I want to be, where I want to be.
Today, I felt a sudden depression set. I am not sure if it\’s because of the way I woke up. Drowsy, with this incredible feeling of wanting to sleep all day.
I am still angry at Angela, I feel resentful. The spillage of resentment hurts deeply.
But here was the attempt of counseling in trying to understand.
I keep believing that there is nobody like Chris and yet is it just because I don\’t want to let go and making all these self-doubting assertions? But the truth is that I haven\’t. Every single person bores me. I like the light that plays in his face as he becomes passionate describing TV or any other subject. It engages me and people. And who is as dedicated to deals as he is. He will go as far as needed to get things going. He is so dedicated to the cause that he will do whatever it takes. The key words are whatever it takes.
And here I am worried about giving false hopes. The other night I fell into a soundless sleep next to him. He left before I really woke up. It was comfortable…and that\’s all it was. Before we went to sleep, he gave me a pat and I gave him a pat. It was very much like the last night he had spent there. Where I was feeling indecisive but almost decisive. What false hopes there are, the decisiveness.
Let\’s say that I go, give this all up. I can do that. Let\’s say that I stay. I can do that too. But there are regrets.