There are brief moments for me. Suicide. Wouldn\’t it be lovely? But I don\’t…didn\’t want to give into cliches.
As I was driving back from picking up stuff for oyster shucking, I was suddenly so distraught. The pain was overwhelming. The feeling that I had failed and really messed up with my life. I wanted to disappear…and reappear somewhere else. I couldn\’t hurt everyone by literally not living. So I would just disappear. Would that hurt less knowing that I was alive…somewhere?
I could so easily do that by choice. I could shut everyone out except for family. I could move. I could change careers. And everyone will move on. Because that\’s what everyone does. I am looking for unconditional connections. I can\’t stand this feeling that all relationships are conditional—because that\’s exactly how I perceive everyone else. You break something…then it\’s all gone. Completely gone.
I cried many times today, because the loneliness is overwhelming. It was ok…until Jean talked about her first marriage. I hesitated…I was speaking aloud about my concern that I was almost 30 and yet…did I really accomplish much in my life? And she started talking…and then I couldn\’t hold it back anymore.
\”I am—\” my voice broke. \”…also seeing counseling…\”
And I thought that I could hold myself together, but I just couldn\’t. During the BBQ, I suddenly didn\’t want to eat. The anxiety was overwhelming and all I wanted to do was be back at my desk in front of my computer. But I couldn\’t do it. It was ridiculous—I didn\’t want to be there, but I knew that people would watch me. And they would see that I was upset and I didn\’t want the questions of \”how are you, are you ok?\”
What was I supposed to say. I am not, but don\’t worry yourself about it. I will receive responses of iamhereifyouwanttotalk…maybe I just should say nothing…and so I let myself lie and lie.