reflection on myself

I am not as great as I wanted to be.

So I e-mailed the GSI about the C and she replied within the next few hours. To my surprise, she said, \”You failed final. I was *very* disappointed…\”

This almost reminds me of the summer after my freshman year when I e-mailed my GSI and asked why I had gotten a C in the course. Back then, the GSI e-mailed back saying that they discovered an incident of cheating.

Fortunately this time, it\’s no case of violating the code of student conduct. But it\’s just a failure on my part. A lack of effort maybe? In some respect, I tried my best. But I took too many shortcuts which had an impact on my absorbtion of material. I never thought I would fail something. the last time I had really failed something was in high school when I failed a test in Calculus BC. The reason then was because I had skipped so much of that section since it was senior year. I had gone on trips with my senior class–to AGATE, to Mission District, and yet another one to Berkeley. And then.

The GSI said that I could come in mid-june to look at the test. But it almost seems futile. I am afraid of her. She\’s so intimidating, not to mention blunt and very forward with her thoughts. I don\’t know if I can stand it.

and here\’s the thing. This may (or may not) prevent me from obtaining a phd if I ever decide to do so in the future. Most colleges disregard students who have a gpa below 3.0. So did I mess up? But I should have good references…

But then? I don\’t know.

I tried. I really tried.

Yet. I know many people who are marked by the grade of a C. Perhaps it\’s a way of life. Sometimes you just can\’t be among the best. I feel so scarred, yet this is the way it is for some people. Why am I so arrognant with my 3.0+ gpa. It\’s almost trivial now that I have already gotten into graduate school. But I am stuck with the thought that grades show whether a person is good or not. I don\’t want to be a bad person. Did my parents pound that into me? That in order to be the best daughter, I need to succeed? How hard is it not to think that when my parents bother my sister to no end about her grades? this almost results in my sister not wanting to call home at all. And worst yet, I am bitterly annoyed when my dad brings up how he went to grad school on full rides. That everything was paid for him. And he questions why I didn\’t get the same opportunity. I just didn\’t…it\’s just…difficult.

I talked to Kyle (the CA) today on aim. And somehow we came on the topic of Becky. I was talking about how the three of us could go out for lunch/dinner. To my surprise, Kyle said no. I discovered that Becky irked people. She was supposedly pushy and demanding. Too much after 3 hours. this was something I never realized. To me, Becky had always been a huge bundle of energy. She was like me. She screamed and yelped like me. And I like laughing in her presence. She was one of the few people that I could be obnoxious to…knowing that she wouldn\’t accuse me of being too obnoxious.

But then, it suddenly made me insecure. Who disliked me? It\’s a stupid thought, but I have always wondering who thought I was really irritating? Did I ever bother anybody to an end…that they retracted themselves from me. That they couldn\’t spend more than an hour with me. But usually I could tell. I think I can tell? But I am not sure at all. I missed the Becky\’s relationships. and this is where I worry myself to no end.

I know I normally adapt myself to people. I am more silent with quiet people. I am more loud and obnoxious with those kind of people.

But I am old. I am 22. I should be like old ladies who push their shopping carts, snapping their cane at any young children. I shouldn\’t care what other people think of me. Mostly because I should be satisfied with who I am.