They say that it’s always goes back to your parents, especially your mother (because parenthood is so tied to the mother).
But then, what was it about my mother?
I think then about most pivotal moments that stick in my mind—it’s always a feeling of aloneness, abandonment, dismissiveness. A lack of understanding of who I was and who i wanted to be.
I remember the condensed milk bread pieces—things that I didn’t want to eat. So instead of leaving them and would have been scolded, I stuffed them in my pocket, but didn’t realize that she would discover them later and being forced to finish them outside. Did it make me so frugal like I am today to never want to waste food? To make sure that I am fed? or did it make me associate my emotions so closely with food that whenever I am not happy, I eat less? Especially when angry or upset? My stomach just automatically shuts down. To some, that’s great that appetite goes away so easily, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing. It’s like that feeling after a bike ride where I don’t want to eat because I feel exhausted.
I remember the scoldings, the yelling…all of that. I don’t remember all the specific instances. But they were painful. I don’t know if I can recall what I was affected by them.
But did they hurt me?
Do I have to go through another round of counseling?
This path started because I wondered if I was a bad person for abandoning Noelle after her recent mental crisis. I hadn’t abandoned her during the thick of it. I was there to drive her. i was there when she couldn’t sleep. I was there near Santa Cruz. i was there to provide support when she walked. I was there when she needed someone to hold her water bottle. I was there to interrupt the strange feelings that she was having with her sister and father. I was there.
And yet, of course, I have guilt for not wanting to be there when it was all over. Because in the aftermath, I realized that I received nothing. What was the purpose of our friendship if it was just to service my softer need of having a friend that just showed up? What was the purpose of our friendship if most of it was to serve her needs? What was the purpose when I shared my own needs and she didn’t have the ability (or even the space in her mind) to serve mine except for showing up? And to keep being disappointed over and over?
Yesterday, as I was in a Lyft on the way back from Joy’s place after the research, as we zoomed around Twin Peaks and zoomed down Clipper, I watched the Lyft driver diligently stop at all stop signs and paid attention to nearby drivers. Having being in many near misses with Lyft and Uber drivers (and my driveways), I appreciated his attention to driving safely. As he crossed Guerrero with the same attention to safety, I instantly recalled Noelle’s total disregard for stop signs.
“If there’s nobody there, it’s safe to go,” she said.
She got multiple moving violations. To me, it’s not only a disregard for authority, but a complete disregard for safety. For much of our friendship until the above judgement on my part, we both thought it was hilarious. But now thinking back, it’s was a violation of my own values. Respect authority—to an extent, of course, when it makes sense. Traffic, especially. In a world where we are always trying to do everything for ourselves, we forget that there’s other people out there. We say that someone greater is helping us. But it’s up to us to make a decision and reach out to make things happen.